A child was asked to write a book
report on the entire Bible.
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord
thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God
made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by
eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and
Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people
was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large
boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would
have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac,
and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named
Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is
Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away
from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice,
lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah,
I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was
Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town. After
Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he
was wise, but that
doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch
of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the
New Testament. Jesus is the star of
The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I
had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed
many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the
Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up
for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins,
then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.